I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
