He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
