just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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