I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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