I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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