so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
