My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
