God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
