blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
