I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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