omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
