How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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