I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
