Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
