I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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