i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize