Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
