dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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