i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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