My liver just broke up with me...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
