Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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