my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
