Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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