Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
