I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize