she was so not down for the gang bang
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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