My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
