i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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