just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
