Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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