You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
