Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
