Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
