I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
