apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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