He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize