"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
