Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
