So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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