Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
