so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
