just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it because I queefed?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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