i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
