I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I need a beard to bite.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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