The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
