it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
