I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
