the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
