I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
