i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
