omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
