No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
