how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
