did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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