I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
