I accidentally burped into my bong.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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