I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
