I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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