Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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