I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
