i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
