i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize